Love

One of my readers asked my thoughts about love. I decided I am the most inappropriate guy to expound on this complicated emotion...er..if it can be called one. But I hate to turn away the few faithful readers I have today. Hence this entry. On this thing called : Love.

Probably the most overused, overabused, overpitched, overloaded word in history. It can be linked to almost anything and everything : wars, politics, scandals, mythology, brand marketing, product releases, family life, relationships etc. And yet, like anything mystical, it is something that defies all definitions and attempts to bind it to any one given meaning, emotional state or form. Ask anyone you know. Each of them will define love in a different way. Once you start defining love, it probably even ceases to make sense.

The many women I have had the privilege of knowing over the years have defined love differently from the men I have known. Most women have typically defined love as : "The man loves me if he can accept me the way I am." Most men I have known have linked love with respect, caring and even sex (though unofficially. If she has sex with me, I know she has feelings for me. Could be true. Once your wife starts cheating on you, chances are she won't be getting cosy in bed with you). But it is generally agreed upon that men are idiots. So the definition hardly matters.

But look at what the women above say. "Accepting the woman the way she is" is a diplomatic and political masterstroke. It effectively is the ticket to happiness forever. Each morning, each day, she might turn a new leaf inside out; and the statement still holds true. Brilliant! The moment I first heard this (I believe it was my college senior who said this to her boyfriend while I watched and listened in awe at the lady) I knew it was a clincher. I felt elated and knew that is the kind of love I wanted. A girl who could simply accept me for who I am. It was a new dawn in thinking as far as I went. That was 1992. I have met a variety of women since. And most swear by this concept of love.

But probe a bit further and get doomed. Would you be happy if your partner accepts you the way you are but is not caring? Would you be happy if your partner accepts you the way you are but flirts with other women? Would you be happy if he accepts you the way you are but really doesn't care too much for the relationship? The women probably meant all of the above things and probably some more when they talked about the acceptance part. So love cannot be acceptance alone. When I was 21 this definition seemed quite practical and I loved it. But soon realized it was as theoretical as anything else.

Like all ideals and notions my concept of love has definitely evolved and changed over the past decade. I think when people talk of love, they mean two things: one in the context of what they have in their minds (the theoretical concept that they know deep down will never happen : we all have probably read One and The Bridge Across Forever by Richard Bach and have at one time or the other subscribed to the concept of a soulmate) and the second in the context of what they have in life and what they know is probably within their grasp. For example, it is all well for the woman to say acceptance of her true self is paramount but if unfortunately she ends up with a real skirt-chaser, then her concept of love tends to revolve around faith and sincere attention. If she ends up with a workoholic her concept of love would typically rest on her guy being attentive towards the relationship, herself and the family.

Fundamentally all I have known is that factors like the above are people's reactions to circumstances and the esteemed ego. My concept is very practical. To me love is the feeling you have for your partner which brings you back to the person each and every time you are on the brink of breaking away. It is what holds you two together. Fevicol ki majboot jhod kind of thing, you know.

If you look carefully, the feeling that keeps two people from drifting apart actually is an emotion that encompasses a whole lot of other emotions and more. It overlays almost all definitions of love I have heard, one's ego, one's anger, one's hurt. It is a pure emotion that tells you what you'd rather have in your life and what you are prepared to give up. It enforces the faith you have in the person and shows you the single focal point of your life at the crossroads.

Everything else is the Masala. Without the meat there would be no need for the spices.